Hamlet Yaoi lol
by RachelMustoFende
Summary: Shakespeare crack. Deal with it. Read and Review.


**Marcellus and Bernardo**

It was a cold, cold night, and a frigid wind blew down from the icy snow-capped mountains of the north...

Which was quite unfortunate for Marcellus and Bernardo, the two unfortunate guards stuck atop a quite bare, expose and unfortunately high tower. No really, it was ridiculously high, and spindly too, because medieval architects sucked and the whole thing would have collapsed under it's own weight otherwise.

Anyway.

"I'm freezing!" complained Marcellus, shivering in his boots. "For what reason does any man have to spend a perfectly good night's rest up here on this godforsaken tower anyway!"

"You're telling me," grumbled Bernardo, "unless someone hurries up and invents a spot light, this 'lookout tower' is useless anyway." He looked balefully out over the edge at the completely dark and un-seeable forest below. For all they knew, prince Hamlet could be having his head smashed in by an enemy scout with a club and being dragged away to be raped and molested repeatedly right beneath them.

The wind whistled past the tower, making it sway and moan. Bernardo squealed in fright. Marcellus patted him on the arm reassuringly. "Hey, at least if this thing falls down, we die together, right?"

Long minutes pasted.

"My butt's cold."

Marcellus scooted over along the stone bench so he was right next to Bernardo and put an arm around him. "Yay!" crowed Bernardo, snuggling closer.

"Feeling any warmer?" asked Marcellus.

"A bit," Bernardo admitted, "but this stone bench is hella cold and you aren't helping that."

Marcellus pulled Barnardo onto his lap and began to fondle his ass.

"Ewww, Marcellus, you perv!" squeaked Bernardo, struggling weakly in protest.

"Fufufufufu," chuckled Marcellus. "We can't have THIS getting frozen now, can we? Let me warm it up for you. . ." and he began to take off Bernardo's pants.

"Noes! Marcellus, how could you? We're supposed to be on duty!" Bernardo is apparently completely helpless in the face of rape.

Marcellus picked up the wimp and slung him head first over the edge of the tower so his hips rested on the wall and his feet dangled down toward the floor. Apparently, Bernardo is really short. "There now!" cried Marcellus, "You keep watch, and I fuck you! It's a win-win situation!"

"Duuuu~?" said Bernardo, big eyes glistening, "You can do that? I don't understand..." Apparently, Bernardo is very innocent.

"Like this!" cried Marcellus happily, sinking his gleeful manbit deep into Bernardo's unexpecting anus.

"Uwa! Uwa! Uwa!" mewed Bernardo, flailing his legs uselessly in a vain attempt to dislodge Marcellus' intruding penis.

"Whoohoo!" went Marcellus, his hips moving back and forth. He was waving on arm wildly in the air above his head as if we were holding an invisible cowboy hat.

When he was finish, Bernardo crumpled unhappily to the ground. "You can't do that!" he sniffled, "As soon as our shift is up, I'm going to report you to commander Horatio!"

Marcellus laughed. "And what do you think Horatio is going to do?"

". . . Fire you! For being unnatural!"

"Fufufufufu! Unnatural indeed! Don't you know Horatio is Hamlet's personal butt monkey?"

"Gasp! No way!"

"Oooh yes, my little tasty friend, homosexuality is greatly encouraged amongst the soldiers of Denmark."

"Sugar!" cussed Bernardo, "So, I'm stuck with you."

"Yup! For a whole 4 hours every night, ho ho ho!"

"Well, at least my ass will be warm."

"Warm, yes. In fact, why don't I warm you up a bit right now?"

"Again? Uwa! Uwa!" And it all began all over again. *squish squish* *grind grind* *muuf muuf* *slurp slurp*

"Wait! Where the hell is that slurping coming from!" They both paused in mid thrust and looked around, confused. "My mouth is no where near . . ."

"Oh well."

"Uwa! Uwa!"

*slurp*

They both ground to a halt. "Okay, what WAS that?"

Suddenly Marcellus spotted a white apparition floating nearby. "Holy shit!"

"Hey look, it's the king! . . . wait, isn't he dead?"

"Ak! A ghost! And fuck, it's seen us! Quick, put your pants back on!"

"Oh, I don't think it minds. Look, he's drooling."

". . . Fuck, I don't know what to do. Let's get Horatio, maybe he learned something about old horny ghosts at school."

But, just as suddenly as it had come, Hamlet Senior disappeared again.

Finding himself rendered flaccid, Marcellus extracted himself from Bernardo's rear end and they both sat down. "On one hand, it didn't hurt so much that time."

Instantly re-aroused, Marcellus surreptitiously groped for Bernardo's crotch. "Maybe you can relax enough to enjoy it this time?"

"Enjoy it? How?"

"Like this!"

Marcellus through (yup, through) himself at Bernardo. "Oof!" As they skirmished, Marcellus slowly began to gain the upper hand. Holding both of Bernardo's ankles in one hand, he pushed them up and over the smaller man's head, effectively folding him in half. With his other hand, he reached into his pocket and withdrew what looked like a long, clear plastic tube, except that would be impossible because they didn't have plastic back then.

"What you do with that?" asked Bernardo.

"This!" he cried, and shoved the tube up his bum.

. . .

"Hey, that doesn't hurt at all!" said Bernardo joyfully.

"Umm, yeah, I think I put that up the wrong hole."

"Wrong hole? Is there any other- Uwa! Uwa! Uwa! How is that supposed to make it feel nice! Uwa!"

"Mwahahaha! It's an aphrodisiac, obviously! Now just lay back and think of Denmark."

As the wild gay smex went on, Horatio showed up. "Hey guys, how's the- oooh, sorry to bother you . . . do you have to do that on duty? I mean I think It'd be more comfortable in a bed . . ." but neither one was listening.

"What's this?" Bernardo was thinking furiously. "It hurts! It hurts! But, it also feels good. Mmm, good. So good, in fact, I, think I'm going to come!" And with a little popping sound the tube shot out and fountained high into the air, showering them all with glorious man juices.

"We-ell, if that wasn't pleasant enough, I think I'm going to go now, lads. . ." they still hadn't noticed him. "Enough, you two are fired!" shouted Horatio.

Immediately snapping to attention, they both protested loudly.

"Noes! This is our special time together, you can't take that away from us!" shouted Bernardo, as if they had a long-standing love affair.

"Dammit Horatio, the little slut seduced me!"

"Wha~?" said Bernardo, bewildered.

"You know how it is, they lure you in with promises of affection, then all they want to do it fuck you!" Marcellus was playing on Horatio's weak side, the side that still burned with passion for Hamlet, who had himself lured him to his bedroom with promises of chocolate and instead had tied him up with leather thongs and pushed odd objects up his ass.

"So is that how it is?" he asked coldly.

Bernardo, unable to defend himself, gaped.

"Fine then, Marcellus, you can do this watch by yourself anyway. Bernardo, get out of here."

And thus poor little innocent Bernardo was cast out and forced to spend the rest of his life giving blow jobs for a living, working extra hours to support both him and his surprise love child he had borne of his union with Marcellus, whom Marcellus himself refused to accept as his own, spouting some crap about males being incapable of getting pregnant. Little did they know that some day, Bernardo's grand child would one day return to in turn carry out the inherited rape of Marcellus' grand child, and the whole thing would begin all over again...

*slurp slurp*


End file.
